Tears on the Dance Floor…
I walked into the club.
The day had been as I’d imagined it would be. I wanted to remain cheerful for my friends, to not let them know that I was lonely, missing the one person who had let go of me when I needed her most. But I couldn’t, the emotional crackpot that I’m. I just couldn’t. I’d walked the streets with them wishing every second that she was with me.
It was just like it used to be. Shopping with my friends. Except she wasn’t there. And the void was impossible to fill, almost as much as my friends tried. They didn’t need to, after all they were two couples in love, and me of course tagging along, but they tried, and I guess that’s what friends are for. I love them, but I loved her more. At least I used to. Now I know she didn’t deserve a bit of what I gave her, but she still was the girl I’d have done anything for. I missed her.
I’ve forgotten what it felt like, and that’s what hurts most. Her hair on my face, the touch of her skin, the way she held my hand, the way the world became insignificant when she walked to me. I’ve forgotten how it felt like. I just remember that it used to be lovely, and I used to be as happy as I could ever be. It’s so vague, this shard of memory and it cuts like a knife.
The DJ was here. He did what he did best. The Music began.
Savage Garden – To the Moon and Back.
One of my favorite songs ever. I’d fly you to the moon and back, if you’d be my baby. I certainly tried, baby. I gave you everything I had, even when you refused me anything in return. I wasn’t perfect, of course I wasn’t, as you well know, but I held you through everything. But I’m alone now, and I know you wanna see me hurt, to see me cry. I did that too. A lot of it. But I know that it still isn’t enough for you. I know you can’t see me happy. You want me to bleed. Even now. After all this time.
Akon – I wanna make up right now.
I don’t think so. It’s over. After all that happened, after all you put me through, even when I was ready to tear myself apart and come back new, you humiliated me, day in and day out. But I still would not let anyone say a word about you. Even when people around me said I was the one to blame for everything that happened. I never let them say anything about you. Not once. Not ever. I heard them talking behind my back, saying what a jerk I was! Some of them called themselves my friends. They used this opportunity all they could, to take me down. And You. You believed them. You left the guy who once came across three state lines in one night, standing all through, so he could see you for four hours. You left me hanging, with nothing to hold on to.
Anjaana Anjaani – Tujhe Bhula Diya.
That did it. The tears came into my eyes like they always do. I’m not weak. Not in any sense of the word. I’ve fought everything that life threw at me, from psychopathic HODs who suspended me for no reason and threatened to ruin my life, to gang wars at school, but never have I had to fight myself. You made me do that. This last year has been as fucked up as it gets, and I’ve almost made it through, just me. You saw me breaking apart from within, and just stood there and watched, sometimes laughed, sometimes did things so I could break apart a bit more. Just let me know one thing, have I ever, even once, did something coz I wanted you to hurt? Ever, baby?
Minnale – Vaseegara.
I danced. I let the tears fall. I danced like I was possessed. I remember this movie. There was another song from this movie’s hindi version which I’d sung for her once. In front of my entire batch. Wow! That hurt. My friends watched me come back and reach for the beer. I rarely drank, but I needed to now. I finished the bottle in a few swigs. I looked at them. They looked at me. They could see my face. They weren’t idiots. These were my friends. They had seen what had happened to me and they knew perfectly well the reason for the tears that ran down my face. They missed her as well. We had talked about it. She was their friend too. Was.
The DJ played some songs I knew but was too drunk to recognize. But I kept swinging. I wanted to dance her out of me. If that was possible. I downed another round of beer and other stuff I can’t even remember. And I danced. I danced with my friends. I danced without them. I danced with whoever was there on the dance floor that day.
The songs were blurring now. It was just the beats. I was drunk. But I kept going. I let the pain wash through every inch of me, every part of me. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to remember this. And the best way to remember things that went wrong is the hurt. Pain is the best teacher you can ever hope for. And boy, has Professor Pain been my closest companion for some time!
I was almost falling when they came. I don’t remember how and when I went back but when I woke up, I was home. My legs burned with pain. I was tired and sore. The hangover pulled at my head. I sat up on the bed and said to myself the one thing I kept telling myself through all this.
I’ve lost a lot, a hell of a lot. A year of my life has become something to forget, something to bury and run away from. I’ll never let it happen again. I hurt so many people along the way. Some of them will never know how important they were to me. I lost them, forever.
This is what I tell myself. To remember what I lost. Remember how this felt. Remember those nights. Remember the darkness. Remember the pain. Remember the screaming in my head. Remember every bit of it.
So that when the lights come back on, when I learn to smile again, when I again look at life the way I used to, I’ll know how special it is. I will appreciate every bit of happiness that comes my way. I will come back again and this time, when I do, I won’t become a lying jerk for the people that mean so much to me.
I won’t fall. Not again. Not ever.